Sunday, August 28, 2011

New Blog

Hello again, as I am trying to break into the film review world I have created a new blog called Big Kahuna Movie reviews.  I ask that everyone who reads this site (All 6 of you :) ) please begin following that one, as this one will probably not be updated very often.  I do plan on updating the movie review site at least 3 times a week.  I promise you wont be disappointed, and if you like it please tell all your friends.

Monday, August 22, 2011

They Call Me Mr. Wahlberg

  OK now don't panic, I'm not going to discuss the horrible film the Happening staring Mark Wahlberg.  Yes this is normally a horror blog, but I wanted to take the time to write about, in my opinion, one of the most important films to ever be made. Boogie Nights. 
  I remember when Basketball Diary's came out.  Good film with Leo DiCaprio, that had Mark E Mark in a supporting role.  He actually did a good job, especially for being one of the worst rappers in history.  A few years later my wife, then girlfriend at the time and I saw a commercial for the film Fear.  I remember saying "Lets go see that, its Mark E Marks new film"  She agreed and we were both pleasantly surprised.  Once again I thought he did a great job.  Then in 1997 I read about Boogie Nights, a film about the 70's porno industry with Mark E Mark playing the John Holmes role, and my man Burt Reynolds as a porn producer.  I said "Lets go see Mark E Marks new film, its about porn."  we went, my wife was board as the film is lengthy.  I was not board, I was blown away.
  I like 70's porn, as they have plots, yes I need a plot or I cannot watch anything. They have horrible acting, horrible dialog, but damn fine music.  To see a film capture this was amazing.  The soundtrack, the look, everything.   Hell Mark E Mark's room even had the Bruce Lee, Farah Fawcett, and Corvette poster in it.  I laughed, had a good time, and as the film went on, became emotionally attached to every character.  3 different couples walked out of the film, as they muttered things like "Disgusting", "Trash", among other things.  My wife tried to stay awake.  I was glued to the screen.  Mark E Mark was fantastic in the lead role as Eddie Adams a young kid with a "Natural Talent" for porno.  He obviously got off the roids for this part, as he looked like a thin 17 yr old kid,   I remember the scene where his mentally abusive mom began calling his girlfriend a whore, and kept calling him stupid and he finally snapped, crying, yelling and screaming he would "Do something great."  He was crying, with snot coming out of his nose, and spit flailing from his mouth as he yelled, and cried showing the emotions of a kid who just wanted his mom to love him, and in the same respect hated everything about her.  I remember thinking "Holy shit, that's Mark E Mark, wow"  That was the performance of a lifetime.  He went from being a naive polite, almost simple kid to a big shot in porn, to a coke fiend who couldn't get it up.  And he played every aspect of the character to perfection. 
  Not only was his performance a star turner.  but this is the only film I can remember that made stars out of most of the cast.  Sure they were all veteran actors, but after this film they blew up.  John C. Reily, the comic foil of Will Farrel was Reed Rothchild, Mark E Marks sidekick.  Heather Grahm was Roller Girl, a teenage porn queen, and yes we see her naked.  Julian Moore was Amber Waves a Porn Star who was a mother figure to all the other characters.  Don Cheadel was Cowboy a porn star who dreamed of opening his own stereo store.  Thomas Jane was Tod Parker, the man who introduced Mark E Mark to coke.  William H Macey as Little BIll the cameraman who's wife was banging everyone around him.  And a nod to his captivating scene where he shoots her, her lover, then himself just a the clock strikes midnight on new years ever to transcends the film into the 80's.  Louis Guzman as Maurice Rodrigue a nightclub owner who wants to be in the business.  Phillip Seemore Hoffman as Scotty J a man with a crush on Mark E Mark.  And Final this film featured the comeback of one of the greatest actors in our time.  Burt Reynolds.
  This was Burts return to the silver screen after a string of failures.  He was Jack Torrence, film producer, and he blew everyone away with his performance.  He played his part to perfection.  He was against video tape, he liked film, and he believed he was making art, or real films if you would.  He won the Golden Glob, and was even nominated for an Oscar, unfortunately the academy gave it to Robin Williams for Good Will hunting, but lets see counselor who helps troubled kid vs guy who makes porn,  No brain winner there.
  If you have never seen this film, check it out.  Its one of the best films ever made.  I remember the next year I got a comercal for an action film called The Big Hit.  I turned to my wife and said "Lets go see that, its the new Mark Wahlberg film"  She said yes.  It was a good film contrary to what everyone will say, but I noticed I didn't call him Mark E Mark.  I never call him Mark E Mark.  I call him Mark Wahlberg.  Its a shame he didn't get an Oscar, or even a nod for Boogie Nights.  It truly made him a star, and made the world forget he used to drop his pants and yell "Come on come on, swig it" on stage.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Get Well Shloggs

As most of you know via different message boards throughout the Internet Shloggs, the writer of Shloggs Horror Blog suffered a heart attack a few days ago, and remains in the hospital.  Please keep him in your prayers.


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I Got Suckerd.......Now Someones Gunna Get Punched!

  Sucker Punch, two words, two hours, one big pile of crap!  This is without a doubt the worst film ever put on the silver screen, matter of fact it was so bad the screen wasn't silver, it was brown from the shit called Sucker Punch. 
     First off let me clarify something, I like Zack Snyder, 300 was a cool film, and Watchmen was incredible.  Watchmen is probably the hardest comic to translate into a motion picture and Snyder did it flawlessly.  The opening credits were a thing of beauty.  They are in my opinion the strongest opening sequence in movie history.  So when I saw a teaser for Sucker Punch a film by Zack Snyder I was excited.  I remember seeing the girls battle a dragon in the teaser and thinking "I've never read that comic."  Upon future trailers I realized it was not based on a comic, but actually written by Snyder.  I was still excited.  I read the plot line "A young girl is institutionalized by her abusive stepfather and will be lobotomized in 5 days, so she retreats to a fantasy world to escape thus blurring the lines of reality and fantasy." sounds cool.  Its not.  It sucks ass, let me explain.
  Before I go further let me say, yes, I understood the movie.  I find that when you tell a fan of the film you didn't like it they assume your stupid and didn't get it.  Well I only breath through my mouth when my nose is clogged and my I.Q is 160 so yes I got the film.  I'm not saying my take is right, or wrong, its just that, my opinion.
  The opening sequence in this film is shot in the vain of Watchmen, however it comes across like a shitty music video that reminded me of that horrible song (and video) "After the Rain" by Nelson.  After the video we are treated to a girl going to be lobotomized unless she escapes in 5 day from the loony bin.  She must have realized she wasn't strong enough to grab a sink and throw it through a window so she learns she needs a map, a knife, a lighter and a mysterious something else to escape.  She gets three other anorexic looking whores to help her escape.  Unfortunately we see this through breathtaking visual fantasy scenes, where, to Snyder's credit he is able to juxtapose beautiful images with sheer brutal comic book style violence.  So these three scantly dressed tramps, guided by an old man battle a Dragon, some kind of Nazi Rejects from the Haunted World of El Superbeasto, and some other crap on a blimp.  Finlay the girl realizes she is the last mysterious thing she needs and sacrifices herself so her friend of 5 days can get away on a magic bus to never never land. 
  Here is my issue.  Everyone says how this is highly original, and beautiful film making, true.  Its called daring and imaginative, also true.  And how it displays empowered women.  False!
  First off if you want to see an empowered woman watch Salt.  Angelina Jolie looks like a C.H.U.D anyway but in this film she looked like a straight up Chuppacabra.  These girls were dressed like rejects from a Cinderella video wearing costumes that were left over from the film Barb Wire.  Empowered women usually don't look like sex slaves.  2nd if there so empowered why did 3 of them die, and the main one get lobotomized?  The 4th girl does get away but only when the old man mysteriously helps her get on a bus he happens to be driving.  Obviously the cops in this area are lazy and take a bus drivers word when looking for escaped fugitives.
  Wanna know what I think this films was?  A nerds rape fantasy.  Yes a rape fantasy.  The women did there exotic dance, which I get was how they were put into the trance to get into there mind world, but why not just have them close there eyes and count to 10.  Hell the cook tried to rape a couple of them twice, even the main girl was about to be raped by the evil orderly after she was lobotomised.  You know he pure evil because of his cheesy mustache.
   Keep in mind this is my take on the film.  My take is its the worst movie ever made.  That's a big statement but its way worse then the cinematic shit sandwiches like Santa With Muscles, and Mr. Nanny could ever be.  Some movies, like Roadhouse are so awful there fun, this is just awful shit.  And if Superman bombs we may have seen the last of Snyder in high profile roles for awhile and this, and Watchmen were not exactly hits.  And with the casting of Laurence Fishburn as Perry White I think its safe to say Bye Bye Zack.
   Please let me know your take on this film.  I would love to hear some feedback on my take on this film, as well as my idea to remake it starring Dusty Rhodes as the evil orderly who rapes Pam Anderson in the Baby Doll role Irreversible style.  Hey at least it wont be disguised as something its not.  Hell, Cool As Ice was never advertised as anything its not, and that film kicks ass.  Word To Your Mutha!


Monday, July 18, 2011

The Dirty 6 letter word

Remake, that word send shivers down any self respecting horror fan, or cinema fans in general.  Don't get me wrong, I don't hate a film just because its a remake.  In fact I think some of them are good in there own right.  My Bloody Valentine 3D, and Death Race are two films I rather enjoy.  Maybe its because there more like re-telling, or maybe because the originals, although good films are not great by any means. And that is where the remake problem begins.  Why remake a film, when the original is perfect?  If you need proof lets just look at John Carpenter
    John Carpenter is my favorite director.  No one can write, direct, and compose a film like he can.  His films are perfect in every way, well most of them.  Assault on Precinct 13.  Great film, creepy, dark, edgy, ahead of its time.  Here's a brief synopsis if your not familiar.  A gang that goes by the name Street Thunder attacks a precinct on the verge of being shut down.  Only a few officers, and inmates are in the building, yet there are tons of gang members descending on them.  Then gang members do not speak, there like zombies so to speak.  Fantastic pacing and a gritty feel make this a fantastic film.  Now lets look at the remake.  Hit men are descending on a precinct ready to close.  They want to take out Laurence Fishburn.  But look out because they have to contend with troubled officer Eathen Hawk.  Sound good?  No?  Your right.  It sucked.  The beauty of the original was the low budget look, with fantastic acting from a cast that had no big name stars.  High profile actors, and a bigger budget don't translate to a good film.
  Up next Halloween.  I'm not even going to give a synopsis on this one as everyone has seen it.  The perfect horror film.  No blood, no gore, one quick boob shot, and a musical score that terrified me when I was little.  Remake, loud, bloody, profanity filled, and pointless.  Granted, Rob Zombie made the film look good, and did a good job in casting, but the beauty of the original was the fact it relied on jump scares, and pacing to send chills down your spine, and bloody murders and screaming.
     And what do we have to look forward to next a remake of the Thing.  Granted John Carpenters the Thing is a remake, but theres nothing people can do to make it better.  Escape From New York is a film that holds a special place in my heart.  It was the first R Rated film I ever saw, and it made me want to get a snake tattooed on my stomach.  I didn't get the snake, but I did get a cool dragon.  And I cant wait for my son to turn 6 so I can watch it with him for the first time.  The film still holds up, granted it would probably be rated PG-13 now, but that's fine.  And what do fans of that film have to look forward too?  A remake with Tymothy Olyphant  as the highly rumored choice to play Snake Plyskin.  The only thing Olyphant would be goo in remake wise would be Rain man, and only if he had no math skills.
  You see John Carpenters films as so good, and so ahead of there time people want to remake them.  But stop trying to remake the great ones.  Remake They Live.  Granted that's one of my favorite films, but it would be a good film to do now.  Especially with our economy, and low approval ratings for our presidents as of late.  And who wouldn't think its possible for Sarah Palin to be an alien.  Granted that would be one smoking hot alien, but an alien none the less.
  Now if someone would give me the cash I would remake Ghosts of Mars.  Why Ghosts of Mars?  Because it wasn't very good.  Granted it had the man who changed my life, Jason Statham in it, but it also had Ice Cube.  How would I remake it? Well First we need a whole new cast.  I have that ready as well.
First lets dump Ice Cube.  He sucks ass.  We need a real tough rapper, someone from the streets who could handle himself on mars.  That's why our convict would have to be Vanilla Ice.
     Now we need to get rid of Natasha Henstridge.  Why? Because she cant act, and skinny bitches don't look good to me.  We need to replace her with Nikki Blonsky.  Yes that fat girl from the Hairspray remake.  See shes already been in one remake so shes set.
    Pam Grier, oh hell no, shes old, and a good actress, but this is no film for her.  We need a hot older lady, we need Kristi Alley.  Fresh off Dancing With the Stars she could do a pole dance or something like that to distract the ghosts, or zombies, or whatever the hell they were.  But we still need to replace Jason Statham.  We need someone, tough, someone cool, someone with muscles.  We need Bill Goldberg, because who would want to see Goldberg spear a zombie ghost.
For those of you who have not stopped reading already your probably laughing.  Good, because at least you would find my remake funny, and entertaining.  Something other remakes cannot do.  I guess what I'm trying to say is if a film is perfect, or just well loved and respected, leave it alone.  Theres nothing you can do to make it better.  If it ain't broke don't fix it.  Now if you find a film that sucks remake that.  Because then you have room to improve.  Hire Bill Mosley as Same Elliot and John Cena as Patric Swayze, go to a sports bar and remake Road House.  I bet that would rock!


P.S. I got a plug for this blog from my favorite podcast, Profondo Cinema.  Give these guys a listen, there the best film podcast out there, funny and informative, plus well produced.


Tuesday, July 5, 2011

What is a Disturbing Movie?

"Whats the most disturbing thing you have ever seen?"  That's a question I get asked all the time.  Not because I have weird taste, but because I am a horror aficionado.  Italian, Asian, German, England, and the good old USA.  I watch them all.  The bloodier the better.  I never really had a good answer to the question, I always say what bother me might not bother you and vice verse.  But not long ago I decide to google the question and most all lists contained the same films.  Some I had seen, others I had not.  So I decided to buy everything on these lists and sit down with my wife, yes my wife loves horror as well and see if we could be disturbed, or at least feel dirty enough to need to go shower together.  Sadly we were not disturbed by any of them.  In fact some were just laughingly bad. 
     Ok, right about now you must be thinking I'm some sick dude, but lets break these films down,  Here are the top 5 that seem to make every list.

5.) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre:  Not much to say here, as everyone has seen this.  A group of kids stumble upon a house of horrors when they encounter Leatherface and his deranged family.  The kids are killed, hung from hooks, and turned into head cheese.  Yes, as in the kind you eat.  Did I mention at dinner Leatherface dresses in drag while a 100yr plus old man tries to knock a screaming girl in the head with a hammer?  Sorry but I think this film is actually a black comedy.

4.) Last House on the Left:  2 teenage girls go to "Score some grass" before the big concert and get attacked buy a group of escaped convicts.  They are raped, beaten, and killed.  As the convict make there escape they stop at, you guessed it The Last House on the Left, which just so happens to be where one of the girls lived.  Her parents take these people in for the night, and soon begin to suspect theres something not quite right.  When they go outside and find there daughter floating in the river they decide to take revenge.  Electrocution, and my favorite, the old bite your dick off during a blow job routine.  Is this movie really that bad?  In a word no.  Its very dated, and don't get me started on the end credits which just kill all credibility on this being terrifying.  A dumb country like song about the sheriff and his deputy playing while scenes of them acting inept play in the back ground. 

3.)  August Underground Trilogy:  A very convincing fake series of snuff films from Fred Vogel.  Awesome make up effects, and very slick POV camerawork, make this seem real.  Real dull, and laughable bad.  This dialogue kills this whole film.  Theres one very overly long seen where the killers are terrorizing two teenagers in a convenience store that's so bad its funny.  The main killer grabs the guy and keeps shoving his face in this kids girlfriends ass yelling "Smell her ass"  She wearing jeans, but the guy keeps coughing and gaging making my wife and I wonder, does this bitch know how to wipe her ass?  Granted the murders look real, but why would a killer talk so much?  Want to see the way it should be done, watch the home invasion scene from Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer, that's creepy, not this.

2.) Salo:120 Days of Sodom:  First off this was written by the Marque De Sade so that should tell you its pretty messed up.  A group of wealthy fascist kidnap 9 boys and girls and sexually torture them for 120 days.  Sounds intense right?  Wrong.  Sure its messed up, and actually sick in parts but not disturbing.  Its also long, and very wordy.  I am probably one of the few people that think its dull.  Hell the director was murdered in real life because of this film.  It was deemed pornographic and banned in some country's.  Its just not that bad.  Its a period piece with sexual torture.

1.)  Irreversible:  First off I am not criticising this film, as it is fricking awesome.  The camera work, acting, pacing, style, everything about this film is fantastic.  Its about how far someone will go to get revenge when someone they love is hurt.  Its filmed backwards in 10 minute increments.  It stars the smoking hot Monica Bellucci from Matrix, and Shoot em Up fame, and is just an amazing piece of cinema.  Did I mention it made this list because Monica is raped.  Raped and Beaten hard core.  In fact the scene just goes on and on and on.  For like 9 minutes actually.  Yes a 9 minuted rape scene.  Sure theres no penetration shots, but you get the idea.  Its graphic, and the beating she takes is horrible.  But the film was so good I cant say it disturbed me.

     So there you have it, the 5 most disturbing movies ever made, and none of them disturbed me.  I'm not saying there not horrifying and graphic, but they don't disturb me.  I don't think I'll ever encounter a cross dressing weirdo with a chainsaw trying to make me his lunch.   I don't live on the last house on the left in my neighborhood.  If someone made me smell my wife's ass I would not puke.  Don't foresee a fascist kidnapping me, and once again Irreversible is just too god a film to bother me.
     I guess your wondering if there is anything that does disturb me.  Only 2 things I have ever watched have.  The first was Jack Ketchums Girl Next Door.  Its a true story about 2 girls who have to live with the aunt after there parents die.  To say the aunt doesn't like the teenage girl is an understatement.  She beats her, keeps her tied up in the basement, lets her son rape her, and finally takes a blow torch to the girls vagina.  All this happens while all the neighbor hood kids stand around and watch it happen.  Did I mention this is a true story?  That's the part that bothers me.  Not so much the fact someone could do this to another human being, but that a group of people could watch and do nothing.  The film wasn't graphic buy any means.  Most things were done off camera, but I still found myself turning my head.
     And the last thing too really bother me wasn't a movie, but an episode of a TV show.  Sons of Anarchy.  A fantastic drama on the FX Network.  At the end of season 2 a crazed IRA gun runner kidnaps the main characters 1 year old son.  The final scene shows him driving off on a boat with the baby in the back while the boys father starts crying and screaming "Hes go my son."  I felt sick, my wife felt worse.  She cried for a long time on and off.  Neither of us could sleep.  She vowed never to watch the show again.  We sat their in the dark feeling drained.  All we could think of was what if that happened to us.  You seen we just welcomed our 1st child into the world 9 months prior.  And we couldn't imagine that happening to anyone.  In case your wondering we did watch the next season and the father did get his son back.  So all's well that ends well.
     So in my mind something has to be real, or at least hit home to disturb me.  If you have never seen any of these films, give them a try, they may freak you out.  They just don't bother me.  In fact to me theres one thing more disturbing then serial killers, and rapists.  That's that there have been 7 Police Academy movies.  Now try to sleep at night.