Remake, that word send shivers down any self respecting horror fan, or cinema fans in general. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate a film just because its a remake. In fact I think some of them are good in there own right. My Bloody Valentine 3D, and Death Race are two films I rather enjoy. Maybe its because there more like re-telling, or maybe because the originals, although good films are not great by any means. And that is where the remake problem begins. Why remake a film, when the original is perfect? If you need proof lets just look at John Carpenter
John Carpenter is my favorite director. No one can write, direct, and compose a film like he can. His films are perfect in every way, well most of them. Assault on Precinct 13. Great film, creepy, dark, edgy, ahead of its time. Here's a brief synopsis if your not familiar. A gang that goes by the name Street Thunder attacks a precinct on the verge of being shut down. Only a few officers, and inmates are in the building, yet there are tons of gang members descending on them. Then gang members do not speak, there like zombies so to speak. Fantastic pacing and a gritty feel make this a fantastic film. Now lets look at the remake. Hit men are descending on a precinct ready to close. They want to take out Laurence Fishburn. But look out because they have to contend with troubled officer Eathen Hawk. Sound good? No? Your right. It sucked. The beauty of the original was the low budget look, with fantastic acting from a cast that had no big name stars. High profile actors, and a bigger budget don't translate to a good film.
Up next Halloween. I'm not even going to give a synopsis on this one as everyone has seen it. The perfect horror film. No blood, no gore, one quick boob shot, and a musical score that terrified me when I was little. Remake, loud, bloody, profanity filled, and pointless. Granted, Rob Zombie made the film look good, and did a good job in casting, but the beauty of the original was the fact it relied on jump scares, and pacing to send chills down your spine, and bloody murders and screaming.
And what do we have to look forward to next a remake of the Thing. Granted John Carpenters the Thing is a remake, but theres nothing people can do to make it better. Escape From New York is a film that holds a special place in my heart. It was the first R Rated film I ever saw, and it made me want to get a snake tattooed on my stomach. I didn't get the snake, but I did get a cool dragon. And I cant wait for my son to turn 6 so I can watch it with him for the first time. The film still holds up, granted it would probably be rated PG-13 now, but that's fine. And what do fans of that film have to look forward too? A remake with Tymothy Olyphant as the highly rumored choice to play Snake Plyskin. The only thing Olyphant would be goo in remake wise would be Rain man, and only if he had no math skills.
You see John Carpenters films as so good, and so ahead of there time people want to remake them. But stop trying to remake the great ones. Remake They Live. Granted that's one of my favorite films, but it would be a good film to do now. Especially with our economy, and low approval ratings for our presidents as of late. And who wouldn't think its possible for Sarah Palin to be an alien. Granted that would be one smoking hot alien, but an alien none the less.
Now if someone would give me the cash I would remake Ghosts of Mars. Why Ghosts of Mars? Because it wasn't very good. Granted it had the man who changed my life, Jason Statham in it, but it also had Ice Cube. How would I remake it? Well First we need a whole new cast. I have that ready as well.
First lets dump Ice Cube. He sucks ass. We need a real tough rapper, someone from the streets who could handle himself on mars. That's why our convict would have to be Vanilla Ice.
Now we need to get rid of Natasha Henstridge. Why? Because she cant act, and skinny bitches don't look good to me. We need to replace her with Nikki Blonsky. Yes that fat girl from the Hairspray remake. See shes already been in one remake so shes set.
Pam Grier, oh hell no, shes old, and a good actress, but this is no film for her. We need a hot older lady, we need Kristi Alley. Fresh off Dancing With the Stars she could do a pole dance or something like that to distract the ghosts, or zombies, or whatever the hell they were. But we still need to replace Jason Statham. We need someone, tough, someone cool, someone with muscles. We need Bill Goldberg, because who would want to see Goldberg spear a zombie ghost.
For those of you who have not stopped reading already your probably laughing. Good, because at least you would find my remake funny, and entertaining. Something other remakes cannot do. I guess what I'm trying to say is if a film is perfect, or just well loved and respected, leave it alone. Theres nothing you can do to make it better. If it ain't broke don't fix it. Now if you find a film that sucks remake that. Because then you have room to improve. Hire Bill Mosley as Same Elliot and John Cena as Patric Swayze, go to a sports bar and remake Road House. I bet that would rock!
CJG
P.S. I got a plug for this blog from my favorite podcast, Profondo Cinema. Give these guys a listen, there the best film podcast out there, funny and informative, plus well produced.
http://home.comcast.net/~axlish/profondo_cinema.htm
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